Have you had a time in your life when you were threading a new career path and suddenly something happened in your personal life that just tore you apart? Like a tragic break-up, loss of a loved one, or a betrayal from a close friend whom you truly trusted.
In my case, it was a break-up. I was seeing a guy and I was immensely attached to him. As if he was the center of my life. As if I was incomplete without him or as if the world would end I don’t get him. I was truly and madly in love. And Sadly perhaps I was the only one in love. I was the one taking all initiatives to make our long-distance relationship work. I was walking the extra mile only to hear his complaint, ‘Long distance is difficult. I was perhaps the only one who saw both of us as us.
Things were not pretty well between us because he knew he didn’t put any effort to make things work. When I started asking important questions, ‘Are you really there in this relationship?’. He started running away saying it was a tough question. He was very confused, he said he had feelings but never expressed if he saw us together in the long run. Also, he was pretty obsessed with his previous relationship and he hardly felt that our relationship could be a beautiful new beginning.
Finally, I was just too tired of his uncertainty and obsession with the past. So I said let’s give our relationship one week and see if something can happen. Nothing worked out and the break up happened pretty tragically. I was so mad when he bought up the topic of his previous relationship again on the last day of our relationship. He could not even end things in a decent way.
When the break-up happened, I was pretty devastated. I lost my sleep, appetite, and zest to live this life. While he didn’t care so much. I knew he would be doing just fine even on the day we broke up. So I decided to take charge of my life and heal myself through whatever it took to heal me.
I started looking for revival. I wanted to be alive, happy, and successful. I found a few books that worked for me and turned around my situation. Therefore I decided to pen down the process of my healing. I wanted to reach as many people as possible who could be helped and lifted from whatever emotional turmoils and challenges they faced. This piece of writing will help you overcome any emotional scars, turmoils, and heartaches you might currently have. I would recommend that you read this blog in pieces to absorb all concepts given. So Let’s dive in.
Self-love is your Superpower:
When my break-up happened, it shook me badly from within. On top of it, I had so much resentment, grudges, hatred towards myself and the boy I was seeing. I castigated myself severely for choosing him. I scolded myself harshly for spending my precious time with him. I self-loathed to an extent that I would cry even more every single day.
In short, I wasted so much of my precious energy hating myself. Already I was in pain and on top of it, I exacerbated my pain with self-criticism and self-loathing. Clearly, with such a negative attitude towards life and experiences, things didn’t get any better, they only got worse.
Then one fine day I discovered a book called ‘You can heal your life by Louise Hay which transformed the course of my life and taught me something that helped me thrive, be happy and concentrate on my work again. The book taught me the most important thing in life, ‘Loving myself’. The book taught me to take charge of my life and redirect it in a direction that would make things wonderful again.
Trust me self-hatred never does any good in fact it sabotages any positive changes that you can make in your life. However, self-hatred is a thought that can be changed! You will learn everything about loving and healing yourself in this blog. So keep reading till the end.
How self Love can change every aspect of our lives?
Our experiences in life are simply the mirror of our thoughts we have in our minds. Guilt, criticism, and resentment are simply the most damaging thought patterns that can cause dis-eases in our bodies and minds. Releasing these patterns can dissolve every dis-ease and an emotional scar that we have. Self-love and Self-approval are the best ways to embark on a journey of making positive changes in life. When you love yourself unconditionally, everything in life starts working for you.
Where does self-hatred come from?
It mainly comes from our childhood, from adults who treated us in a certain way when we were kids. We unconsciously create the same emotional environment we were born and raised in. This emotional environment can jeopardize us instead of supporting us to thrive in life. We scold ourselves the way our parents scolded us when we were kids. We praise ourselves just like our parents praised us when we were kids. However, sometimes kids are raised in a very strict environment where they are hardly shown any approval when they achieve something. Sometimes a kid can’t get any love, praise, and affection from his parents. And even if the kids get any praise it is only when he or she meets a very high standard of the parent.
So am I saying that our parents did wrong to us if they didn’t pour their abundant praises on us? Well, it is not their fault either. They too grew in a tough environment and therefore they treated us with a hard hand. We are all victims of victims.
The mental patterns we currently have are the result of our beliefs in the past. It doesn’t matter where that belief came from or how long we have been holding onto that belief. The belief is a thought that has been held tightly by us from the past. However, we can choose to let go of the belief that doesn’t serve us currently and choose a new belief that helps us thrive.
When I dug into my childhood I realized my childhood was a tough one. My parents would not be happy even when I would top my school. They would praise me behind my back but not in front of me. It was a cultural thing in my place to not praise children on their faces. Also, both of my parents were pretty strict when I was a kid. Especially my father was an extremely negative man who had the most negative ideas about life. He picked those ideas from his father. My father believed that ‘Life was a battle, Love didn’t exist in the world and Everyone in the world was mean.’
Also, my father and mother had an age difference of 15 years. My mom was 15 years younger than my dad. They never gelled very well. I never saw my father treating my mother very well. He always shouted at my mom after work. He abandoned me in college when he refused to send me any pocket money. I started working in a start-up to earn my pocket money.
I don’t blame my father for anything in life. The reason is simple to blame the game never works for anyone. What I realized was all these experiences in life had planted some subconscious patterns that I reflected in my relationship. Whenever the guy I dated disrespected me, I would simply neglect that misbehavior saying ‘men are like that. However, I was mirroring my mom who never raised a voice against my father. And I realized it was my subconscious thought pattern that planted the seeds of an unhealthy relationship. When I let go of my thought pattern I was able to let go of the person who didn’t treat me well.
No matter what the problem is, our outer experiences are the result of our inner thoughts. So if you are having a thought, ‘I am not enough, It is just a thought that you decide to buy-in. If you don’t buy the thought you won’t feel unworthy or unloved.
We Choose Our Thoughts So Choose Thoughts That Work For you:
We all are suffering from self-hatred and guilt on one level or another. The more we remain sabotaged by guilt and self-hatred the less our lives work for us.
When I hated myself for choosing the wrong guy, I would continuously say ‘How stupid I was that I chose someone who wasn’t worth my time and energy? How could an intelligent girl like me choose such an idiot? How could I fall for someone who was almost like a robot?’ While I was self-criticizing so harshly, I jeopardized my creativity, productivity, and mental wellness. I would remain flustered and frustrated with everything. I would become easily irritated and annoyed because of my self-criticism and guilt. I would waste my good energy on anger, frustration, and irritation.
I wanted to be happy. But deep down in my subconscious, I was full of unforgiveness and I wanted to take revenge on the person who did wrong to me. While I thought this process would harm the other person, I was the one who remained deeply unhappy, lost, and frustrated.
In short guilt, resentment, self-criticism, and fear were causing so many problems in my life.
Finally, I was able to figure out patterns that were causing patterns in my life:
1. Not taking responsibility: All this while I was in pain and frustration I realized I continuously blamed the guy for all my bad experiences. I don’t condone his bad behavior or insensitivity towards me but the point was I was the one who attracted this guy. I was putting up with the flat attitude that boosted his ego and allowed him to misbehave with me several times. If I didn’t put up with his unruly behavior he would for sure leave me way before and go to someone else.
Therefore all the while I was blaming, I was only giving my power to him and became prey to frustration and anger. The moment I took charge of my life and my happiness, I felt so much in control of my life. The useless blame game which didn’t serve me was gone.
2. Unable to move from Past to Present: While my breakup happened months ago but I kept playing the sad story of my breakup time and again. I wasn’t able to let go of the past.
How foolish of us to punish ourselves for someone who hurt us in the past. If we continue to believe that we are victims the universe will support us in that belief and we will go down the drain. Therefore it’s vital that we stop thinking of those outmoded beliefs that don’t support our happiness in life.
Therefore my anger, anxiety, and frustration stemmed from not forgiving the guy I dated. The moment I set the intention of forgiving I started feeling lighter. I came to know all dis-eases and pains in life come from a state of unforgiveness. The process of healing begins with the very intention and willingness to forgive ourselves and others.
After forgiving myself I started to work on seeing my magnificence that God gifted me and I loved myself unconditionally. As I began to love myself relentlessly every day I could feel my spirits being lifted, creativity heightened and productivity increased. I felt light like a feather. I would smile like a silly cloud. I would feel like a butterfly ready to fly high with my beautiful dreams. I would feel alive again, much stronger than before, and much happier than all other times. I felt complete within myself and I kept meeting amazing people who made my life even more beautiful.
I also practiced an affirmation with due diligence which said, ‘I accept myself the way I am. I truly love myself for who I am. I am in peace with myself and the universe’.
Slowly I was healing my emotional scars bit by bit. I would not say the journey was a cakewalk. I had to put in efforts to make things work. It took a little bit of time. Initially, I would remain lost in my thoughts. But the moment I decided I am capable of giving my life a new direction, the universe helped me turn around my life in that very moment.
3. Drop the shoulds and listen to your heart: Have you seen the shoulds on your list. Like ‘the should’ your mom or dad or other people expected of you. These are some shoulds that we hardly want and then we berate ourselves based on the should that other people impose on us.
All this while I kept seeing the wrong guy, you know why? Because my mom believed girls should marry on time otherwise no one would accept them. I kept taking the unruly behavior of the guy because I was a girl and I was told to be submissive and docile.
The day I let go of the shoulds, I felt at ease with my own being. Like many others, I had been trying to please other people like my mom and that guy. But when I released my need to please these people, I felt so free, happy, and fulfilled.
Many people choose a career that they absolutely hate just because someone said to them that they should pursue it. What a waste of time and your precious abilities and talents to spend mimicking someone you are not. How easy is it to be just the one you are and have fun with life?
So what are some of the should’s that you have set for yourself? List them down and ask yourself, is it really something I desire? Your intuition will help you answer correctly. You might be confused the first time but as you keep doing this exercise your intuition will help you decide what you really want.
Now you can shift the problem and look at it from a new perspective. Instead of ‘Feeling wrong’ because you don’t fit in someone’s list of should, you begin to take back control by embracing your true self.
4. Self-hatred and criticism is the real problem: While all this while I hated myself for making mistakes, choosing the wrong guy, and many stupid decisions that I made, I was giving away my power. I was feeling exhausted and lifeless. However, when I started loving myself all this anger and anguish washed away. I was filled with a light-hearted spirit which made me alive and happy. Therefore ‘Self-hatred’ was the main issue that was making me feel terrible about everything in life and sabotaging any healing that could possibly happen. Self-Love worked like magic, healing my old scars and making me happy every day.
Many people confuse self-love with selfishness. However, the two are opposite and there is no comparison between the two. Self-love means feeling so grateful for the miracle of your body, mind, and soul that your heart bursts with joy and true happiness. It
means being truly grateful for everything, the miracle of your eyes, nose, ears, stomach, every organ of your body, and the process of life.
Self-love is most important to make others around you feel happy and cherished. Can you make someone smile if you can’t afford to smile? Well, self-love not only empowers you with good feelings, new energy, and zest, self-love also empowers people around you because they feel energized because of your happy presence.
On analyzing my guilt, criticism, and self-hatred patterns, I was able to slowly release those patterns and work towards a happy life.
Putting the pieces of self-love together:
Have you seen a little baby? How happy he or she is with himself or herself. Babies feel that they are perfect. They love everything about themselves, even their own feces. They ask what they want. They cherish their magnificence and light the room they are in. They also express their anger loudly and the whole neighborhood gets to know when they are angry. We were all born cherishing our beautiful selves but then we started denying our own magnificence. We started listening to the opinions of other people on what we should be like to be loved, cherished, and be happy.
Here is a short simple exercise that you can do to revive your self-love:
Every morning when you wake up, say to yourself, ‘I really love you and accept you the way you are. I am grateful for my beautiful body, mind, and soul.’
Say this 300-400 times during the day, till the time the feeling of self-love becomes a new consciousness in your mind. Do this for 30 days.
Here is another exercise that can help you reduce weight. People gain weight because they are self-loathing themselves. However, when you refuse to hate yourself and go on a mental diet of only self-love and positivity, your weight begins to normalize. You can repeat the same above affirmation 300-400 times during a day to get results. Practice this for 30 days.
Where does self-love begin?
Self-love begins with never ever criticizing yourself for anything. It means loving yourself unconditionally every single day.
Have you noticed the voices in your head that keep you from progressing and making any healthy changes in life? What do these voices say? I am too fat, too thin, too stupid, too dumb, too shy, too indecisive, too ugly, too wrong, too young, too old. Do you see what the real problem is? It is “too much” of self-hatred.
Now rather than getting overwhelmed with so many problems that are caused, we can focus our energy on dissolving the cause i.e self-hatred and criticism.
Limiting beliefs that keep us away from self-love:
Have you seen a beautiful flower? From the time it is a bud to the time it becomes a full bloom flower, it is always perfect. So is the case with us. We are all like a beautiful flower. We are acting with the best of our understanding, knowledge, and consciousness. There is no need to criticize yourself if you are still dabbling with issues in life. Till the time you are looking for the answers, you are just on the right path.
We need to do Mental Cleaning:
In the process of mental cleaning, you need to strengthen beliefs that help you thrive and you would love to keep them. However, there would be many beliefs that make you very angry and frustrated. Don’t let these beliefs take away your cool. Just see them as garbage that needs to be put in the trash bin.
So I urge you to ask yourself, ‘What are some limiting beliefs that you gained as a child that hamper your happiness? What are the beliefs that make you hate and criticize yourself? Take half an hour to write down everything.
Now you might be afraid of cleaning your beliefs that were keeping you away from your own happiness. But imagine yourself to be a three-year-old kid who is totally terrified. How would you placate the child? Would you shout at the little kid and scare him even more? Or would you just gently put your hands around the kid and tell him how much you love him, how much you care about him, and how amazing the kid is.
How to change:
Change is an amazing process that can help us take ourselves from our current life to our dream life. But the process of change comes with its resistances and issues. We often stumble into unanticipated problems that diverge our attention from the current problem to the next problem.
For example, if you were trying to work on your creative talents while hustling at your current job and one day you were fired! You were trying to quit smoking because you wanted to release the pattern that made you smoke. However, as you quit smoking you find that your relationship becomes very uncomfortable. You wonder if it was the smokescreen that was hiding the discomfort of your current relationship. Gradually you realize that the relationship was the real cause of smoking. Does it mean things will only go worse? No, it doesn’t mean that things will go worse. It means you will start getting more clarity on what you really want. And sometimes that clarity will come through a hard way. It also means you need to be firm and ready to retrain your mind.
Here is are a few exercises that will help you change:
Let it go: Take a deep breath and let all tension within your body go as you exhale. Let the tension release from your scalp, forehead, and face. Let your scalp, forehead, and face relax. Let your tongue, throat, and shoulders relax. You don’t need to feel tensed or overwhelmed reading this. Let your back, abdomen, and pelvis relax. Keep doing this exercise two to three times until you are fully relaxed.
Physical releasing: Sometimes self-guilt, criticism, and resentment is locked in our body. We need to release it in a harmless way that sets us free. Crying in the shower, screaming while the windows of a car are rolled up or punching a pillow to release anger, are some of the ways to release your emotions.
Forgiveness: The process of healing begins with forgiveness. Often we are stuck in our past because “they” did something wrong to us. However, sometimes they don’t even bother or are aware of what we are undergoing. Blame, guilt, resentment, criticism, and even the desire to take revenge to keep us stuck in the past. However, when we forgive, we let go of the past and are fully present in the present moment. When we forgive ourselves and others we set ourselves free from the heavy burden we carry on our souls every day. Almost all issues are dissolved when we begin to forgive ourselves and others.
Think of the person who is hardest to forgive. Imagine what they need to do to get your forgiveness. Now imagine that person is doing what they need to do to get your forgiveness. Release the heavy burden of unforgiveness. Say ‘I choose to forgive________ and I forgive you for ___________.
Visualization: Imagine yourself to be a six-year-old child. Gaze yourself in your eyes and see the longing for love, care, and affection. Now tell this child how much you love him, how much you care about him, and how important this child matters to you. Now pour all the love you have on this child, squeeze this love in the shape of your heart and keep this love within your heart.
Building the new self:
Focus on what you really want:
The root of all problems is self-hatred. When you start loving yourself everything turns around. When you feel happy, whole, and complete. You give your best to your work, relationships, finances, and everything else. But sometimes we are so habitual of self-hatred, self-criticism, and self-denial that self-acceptance and self-approval are almost impossible. When we don’t accept ourselves for who we are, we can’t expect the universe to send the best of everything to us.
Therefore self-love begins with self-acceptance and self-approval. However, the mind is so used to criticism that it is hard to accept the new changes. People often feel that they would not be able to make progress if they don’t criticize themselves. They think it is impossible to motivate themselves if they don’t scold themselves. Therefore we need to retrain our minds to love us no matter what thought crops up.
Affirm every day 300-400 times ‘I really love myself’. Do this exercise for 30 days straight.
Visualization to claim the new self: See, feel, hear and touch yourself the way you want to become. Feel that you have become what you wanted to become.
Read the workings of the human mind. There is so much to learn to go to the next level.
Love who you are and what you do.
People around me appreciated me for spreading positivity and good vibes in their life. And then I started seeing potential people for marriage again. This time with much more clarity and awareness of what I want and who I want.
Truly self-love changed every dynamic of my life from work to side hustle to office to relationships with other people. I feel blessed to have recognized my own magnificence. I want to help you, my reader recognizes your own beauty and uniqueness. I want to help you discover the inner child within yourself who is waiting to be hugged, loved, and cared for. So don’t let anything stop you from loving your inner child because your happiness begins with making this little baby happy. So do whatever it takes to make your inner child happy and loved every day.
This is me Taiba Mahmood. I hope my story will help you recognize your own immense potential that you hold within yourself. Just believe in your magnificence and just take one step towards your healing and happiness. And I tell you that life will change for the better!
More power to you.
May you fall in love with yourself every single day! May you discover your own brilliance! May you live your life cherishing the innate gifts that the universe has bestowed on you!